Toward the end of the 20th century, after the UN’s 1995 World Conference on Women and Decade for Women (1976-1985), women the world over were becoming aware of their rights.

States were propelled by the UN meeting to make laws to support and protect women’s rights. Women’s studies became a part of their higher education. Women began making changes in their worldview as well as their lives.

The empowerment of women in villages and urban slum communities through the formation of women’s groups brought change in their lives even without formal education.

Gone are the days when women felt the social pressure to marry and have a family as soon as they attain the legal age for marriage. Many women are postponing marriage and ending up not marrying or deciding not to marry.

“The increase in the percentage of educated and career-driven women has led to a shift to a whole new era of independent, self-sufficient women,” says Juvenka Roberts of India. “Women are now as conscious about building their own identity as men. She is focusing more on her career and establishing an identity for herself.”

Thankfully, society is finally accepting this to be “normal,” adds another woman, Serena Vora.

A Korean woman who grew up in the US says, “Career goals preoccupied my mind. I never saw a good, happy marriage in my environment to believe love was real.”

Women experience a double burden

There is another section of young women who go out to work to support their natal family. Their responsibility of seeing a brother through university or younger siblings through school and later establishing themselves takes them into middle age when they find it is then too late to marry.

This was corroborated by Sister Immaculate D’Alwis of Sri Lanka and a young woman from Mumbai.

Women in Asia who have married and started a family carry the double burden of working outside the home for an income and also within the home.

Most Asian cultures still see the man as the bread winner and the one who has to be served by his wife at home. A woman’s income, even if it is higher than the man’s income is seen as supplementary.

Sister D’Alwis confirms: “Women look on marriage as an added burden because in our culture, the burden of housework and children often falls totally on the wife, and the husband does not play his role in contributing to the housework even though both contribute to the family income.”

“Why should I give myself the trouble of serving someone or the responsibility of raising a family?” has been a pretty common remark among young women, says Mariam Chung of Taiwan.

Few women have husbands who will share 50 percent of the household chores and care of children. Women are thinking hard before they marry and start a family. Women who replied to my questions on marriage described men as “not sharing equally in family responsibility,” “insecure and weak,” “great philanderers,” “overpowering,” “violent,” “unduly critical and humiliating.”

Suffering domestic violence

Women’s struggle with the double burdens of work is often coupled with domestic violence. The reports on the status of women, presented in successive meetings by the Women’s Desk of the Federation of Asian Bishops’ Conferences’ Office of Laity and Family, reveal that domestic violence is widely prevalent.

Several respondents affirmed that violence is a big deterrent to young women getting married. Almost all respondents were unanimous about education playing a vital role in women’s empowerment.

“Financially, young women can support themselves, so there is no need to get married for the sake of ‘a meal ticket’ as women used to before, when women were not educated and had no way of supporting themselves,” points out Chung from Taiwan and confirmed by respondents from Hong Kong.

“Education brings about a great change in thinking. Women enjoy their independence without the impediment of a domineering husband,” says Liz Rego from Mumbai.

The research of Stella Quah a sociologist at the National University of Singapore reveals: “Women in urban settings who have a good job and career prospects generally experience a drop in their standard of living after marriage.

“Their health is less good while the health of the men improves greatly; they are expected in most cases to manage both the home and the workplace; they are discriminated against in the workplace if they become pregnant and have the full brunt of child rearing as well.”

Women empowered in villages

The empowerment of women in the villages has also made them more discerning when it comes to marriage.

In February 2009, a young woman, Punam Kumari, in Bihar, India, refused to marry her prospective groom because he arrived at the marriage venue in an inebriated state. Fortunately, she was supported by the police and her father.

In the past, a woman was expected to marry anyone her parents chose for her. Due to the inability to give a dowry (in South Asia), women were sometimes compelled to marry illiterate, old, alcoholic or handicapped men. But that is changing for women. With the ability to choose, marriage is no longer being accepted as the ultimate goal of life.

Several respondents, including a male, retorted with a counter question: “Marriage? Why do women need to get married?”

The Asian woman seems to have hit breaking point with domestic violence, humiliation, infidelity, work at home, work outside for an income and being still dependent on the man!

“We have progressed,” one young woman wrote to me. “Breaking pre-marital taboos, education, choosing a career, the ability to live the life we’ve been dreaming of, exuding a new kind of wonderful confidence, is like a sudden rush of all things you’ve always wanted. Give that up for marriage? Hell, no!” she continued.

Embracing the single life

One respondent confided: “I advise my friends to stop desperately hoping to get married and to embrace their single situation. A lot of my friends who got married when I was young are now getting divorced even with children.”

Divorce and bad experiences of married life is a common reason cited for putting women off marriage.

Another young woman who discussed my question with her Japanese friend replied: “Why do we need a husband? We are financially independent and sexually liberated, so marriage is no big deal.”

The majority of respondents confirm that Asian women are not against marriage. If they marry, they would like to have a stable marital relationship, children and a happy home – but this often turns out to be wishful thinking.

“We have high standards for the men we wish to be with. Either the guy has all the qualities we’re looking for or we are not going to bother with marriage! Unlike in the past, we are actively looking for someone who is good enough for us, a man with a healthy body, mind and soul. We are looking for love and compatibility,” one young woman asserted.

While there are a lot of women out there who remain tradition bound, my own experience has shown that in time, several of these women end up divorced or as single mothers. The others just stick with the marriage to save face.

There are good men out there who make wonderful marriage partners, but they are few. Several women from different countries said that they need to work at their careers first and by the time they want to marry, the good partners are already married!

Enlightened women are throwing up a lot of challenges that are forcing change. Men can no longer take their “superior” status for granted. Radical change is imperative. Marital relationships have to be loving, mutually enriching, a sharing of all responsibilities, sans violence, to come up to the expectations of women in the 21st century.

Source: ucanews.com

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